Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Progress Not Perfection


This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Sometimes it is easy to get out of sync with yourself and your life. Shit happens, right? I feel like I have been in a funk for almost a year. I had a bad job that was stressful and full of drama and it sucked up all my time and energy and will to deal with anything else. Once I quit it was so liberating that I just wanted to revel in my newfound freedom and (sort of) drama-free life. But I also lost track of the things that I should have been doing or that I had been wanting to do. And I haven't been able to find my way back to the right track ever since.

For me there is a disconnect between where I'm at and where I was and where I want to be. Sometimes where I want to be is close to where I was, however I can't find a bridge and I haven't got the materials or know how to build one. Sometimes where I want to be is far off in the distance that just thinking about the journey there is exhausting. I know once I start going I will get stronger and it will get easier and I know that once I get to where I want to be I will admit that it was not as hard as I thought it would be.

It's the actual starting of the journey where I get stuck. I know I need to move forward, know I will feel better once I do, but with such daunting and unknown obstacles ahead I can't seem to make my feet take those first few tentative steps. Whether it's trying to get back into a routine or become healthier or write more consistently, it seems that there is a wall blocking my way. And this wall is of my own making, I know I can knock it down if I wanted to. But that's the dirty little secret: I don't know if I want to. I don't know if  I want to start this daunting and exhausting journey forward to the next part of my life. The evil I know might just be better than the evil waiting for me.

But that's life, right?

I hate when I try to explain this, in any way, to other people because I know a lot of them don't get it. A lot of times I hear "suck it up" or "just do it". A lot of times people try to tell me how or why or what I should be doing. But that's not what I need. I already know all those things. I already know what I need to do to fix my problem. Perhaps what I am looking for is someone in the same situation. Or perhaps the person I really need to talk to is myself. (Side note: I am probably guilty of giving this very advice that I hate to hear. It's not that it's bad advice, it's that it isn't always the solution that is needed.)

So on days where I make it to the gym for a swim or that I hit up the library and work on something that I actually want to be working on, I count those days as successes. And I know, eventually, the successful days will outnumber the unsuccessful days. I know that I will make it to where I want to be or at least to the general area.

But for now, my mantra is: Progress, not Perfection.


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Awkward Life Moment #27: Cuddling

This is a true story. I tried online dating for the briefest of times. Now, because I am broke I couldn't afford one of those fancy sites, like Match or eHarmony. Nope, definitely not. But I had heard of a few free sites and I settled on Plenty of Fish. To anyone reading this who is thinking of online dating: Plenty of Fish is NOT the site for you. Sure, you might luck out and find someone who is normal and a good match for you, etc. However, I feel like that will make you the exception to the rule. And the rule is this: You get what you pay for.

One of the guys I met ended up being fairly normal, if extremely shy and socially awkward. I can work with that as I, too, am an awkward individual. So we went out on a couple of dates and hung out. It lasted for about a month. After a week I already had second thoughts--I know myself and I know what it feels like when it isn't right. But, I told myself that I should give it a few weeks just to make sure.

After a few weeks I was freaking out. It was clear that this guy liked me, but that I did not like him in the same way. Nice guy, but I didn't want to date him. I also didn't want to string him along. So I was trying to figure out how to tell him that without being a complete jackass.

The last time we hung out we watched Netflix, on his twin size bed, awkwardly. As we waited for the next episode to roll over, he turned to me and said, "You may have noticed that I'm kind of shy."

I made some kind of noncommittal noise in agreement.

"But do you, I don't know, do you maybe want to cuddle?" Even in my limited experience with dating and things like cuddling, I knew that it was something you asked to do. It was supposed to just happen. Maybe he was just trying to be nice. Maybe he just wanted to make sure that it was something I would be comfortable with. And I appreciate that, I do. However, I did not want to cuddle with him in any regard.

Thankfully, however, that was my opening to tell him that I did not see anything more than friendship happening between us.

All's well that ends well, right?