Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Progress Not Perfection


This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Sometimes it is easy to get out of sync with yourself and your life. Shit happens, right? I feel like I have been in a funk for almost a year. I had a bad job that was stressful and full of drama and it sucked up all my time and energy and will to deal with anything else. Once I quit it was so liberating that I just wanted to revel in my newfound freedom and (sort of) drama-free life. But I also lost track of the things that I should have been doing or that I had been wanting to do. And I haven't been able to find my way back to the right track ever since.

For me there is a disconnect between where I'm at and where I was and where I want to be. Sometimes where I want to be is close to where I was, however I can't find a bridge and I haven't got the materials or know how to build one. Sometimes where I want to be is far off in the distance that just thinking about the journey there is exhausting. I know once I start going I will get stronger and it will get easier and I know that once I get to where I want to be I will admit that it was not as hard as I thought it would be.

It's the actual starting of the journey where I get stuck. I know I need to move forward, know I will feel better once I do, but with such daunting and unknown obstacles ahead I can't seem to make my feet take those first few tentative steps. Whether it's trying to get back into a routine or become healthier or write more consistently, it seems that there is a wall blocking my way. And this wall is of my own making, I know I can knock it down if I wanted to. But that's the dirty little secret: I don't know if I want to. I don't know if  I want to start this daunting and exhausting journey forward to the next part of my life. The evil I know might just be better than the evil waiting for me.

But that's life, right?

I hate when I try to explain this, in any way, to other people because I know a lot of them don't get it. A lot of times I hear "suck it up" or "just do it". A lot of times people try to tell me how or why or what I should be doing. But that's not what I need. I already know all those things. I already know what I need to do to fix my problem. Perhaps what I am looking for is someone in the same situation. Or perhaps the person I really need to talk to is myself. (Side note: I am probably guilty of giving this very advice that I hate to hear. It's not that it's bad advice, it's that it isn't always the solution that is needed.)

So on days where I make it to the gym for a swim or that I hit up the library and work on something that I actually want to be working on, I count those days as successes. And I know, eventually, the successful days will outnumber the unsuccessful days. I know that I will make it to where I want to be or at least to the general area.

But for now, my mantra is: Progress, not Perfection.


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